how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
