Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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