I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
