Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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