That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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