you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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