There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
