It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
