the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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