the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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