My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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