Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
