You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
