Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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