If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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