Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
