I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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