Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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