Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize