Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
