Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Randomize
