What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
