The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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