Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
