mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize