I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize