I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
