I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
