it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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