as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
