I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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