I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
