i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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