he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
