You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
