pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
