have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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