Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
