I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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