If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
