If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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