Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am naked and annoyed.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
