Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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