Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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