I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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