2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
