You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize