I faked an abortion last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
