Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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