I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize