My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Boobs speak an international language.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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