party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
