Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
