When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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