hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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