I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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