Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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